The Grand Canyon: So F*%@ing Grand, I Literally Can’t Even

For those of you wondering, I strategically wrote this post almost a month after visiting the Grand Canyon due to creative reasons that only an artiste would understand, and not because I’ve been too distracted by drawing and playing with my cats.

After Joshua Tree, we headed east toward Arizona and this allegedly Grand Canyon. If you ever drive on Highway 62, you’ll notice a strange attraction beckoning you from the roadside: the Rice Shoe Fence, in Rice, CA.

Aside from being a delicious side in Mexican dishes, Rice is known for its vast collection of shoes, not unlike my girlfriend.

After snapping some pictures of the ghost town’s local architecture, it was onward, ho!

Onward we ho’d, indeed.

As we neared the California-Arizona border, we saw a ton of signs warning us about wild burros running around on the road. I’m not sure why they’re not just called donkeys, but there were indeed burros galore. I’m also unsure about how burritos got their name, for that matter, but that’s neither here nor there.

I feel like maybe they should put less signs about burros and more signs about vehicular width requirements. Because ol’ Barb was too wide for the bridge over the Colorado River, we had to backtrack an hour to the route for obese RV’s (real nice, Arizona).

The extra time in the hot RV set the tone for the whole state. After that, we just had this vague feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

Fun fact: 93% of the United States outside of California is hellishly hot and humid (except during Polar Vortex, or what we in California call “winter”). To mitigate the heat, we took a slightly longer route to treat ourselves to Culver’s, the In-N-Out of the Midwest, except better and with Concrete Mixers.

After spending a night in a haunted field, we were excited to see the majestic beauty of the Grand Canyon!

Everyone should visit the Grand Canyon at some point in their lives. It’s beautiful, but its the sheer vastness of it that’s most compelling. If you ever want to experience how insignificant we are in the scope of the enormity of the universe, go to the Grand Canyon.

Tl; dr

Arizona: 2.5/5 stars, because Lake Havasu City has a Culver’s and it’s home of the Grand Canyon

Haunted field: 2/5 stars

Grand Canyon: ALL OF THE STARS

21 Pictures That Will Magically Transport You Along on Our Badass Road Trip

Let me give you the past week and a half in a nutshell:

My partner Tina was offered a job as an emergency medicine physician assistant in Fresno, so we’re moving from Oakland to Fresno, the land of my upbringing, at the beginning of September. But only after…

 

…our 6-week Shavekorn Super Road Trip! It’s a 10,000 mile journey starting on the California coast in Monterey and ending back in Fresno at the end of August. We’re hitting 30 points of interests along the way, so follow along here! 

    We kicked off the adventure on my 33rd birthday. It’s a lucky number as 33 was also my basketball jersey number in high school and college. 

      Speaking of high school, my gorgeous sister-in-law was attempting to convince me of how awkward she was then. Then apropos of awkwardness, she sent this perfectly timed picture. This is a carousel at Casa de Fruta, en route to a family gathering in Monterey, part one of our journey. 

      Ummm….. I have questions about this.

      We stopped at Blackwell Rest Stop where I hung out with Granny Linzelby, aka myself in 40 years. I actually have a secret talent wherein I can impersonate faces. I used to do it all the time with book covers when I worked at Borders (R.I.P.). 

      Took this picture to be funny. Turns out the joke is on me.

      Eventually, we left, but not before a near-altercation with the below sheep. A single sheep in a herd of them in the back of a pickup truck was staring at me, as if she knew a secret I did not, and was laughing at me. 

      You don’t know my life, sheep!

      After we two of us had words, we headed out to the Monterey Bay Aquarium with the family. These guys are my third cousins. 

      We’re all crabby. Ha.

      I gave some broad a dirty look and informed her, “No flash!” when she disturbed my octopus friend. I’m pretty sure she was flirting with me (the octopus, not the rude photographer).

      Put those arms around me, girl. All eight of ’em.

      Side note: I’m obsessed with jellyfish now. 

      They look like the inflatable LED lamps we bought for the trip.
      I photoshopped those kids in front of my line of sight.
      Beautiful, but dangerous. Just like me.

      All of this talk about jelly made me hungry. On to our next stop we went to get settled in and have some lunch. Behold Indian Waters, Indio’s finest RV resort!

        Indio is about half an hour from Joshua Tree National Park, which all the cool kids go to and do hipster things like wear a long, flannel shirt, have man-buns, and play solo guitar in the wilderness (this really happened). 

          Don’t let the water fool you, it was fucking hot. That’s totally a mirage.

          I’m pretty sure that’s what it feels like to be on the surface of the sun. It’s actually pretty comparable to Fresno, weather-wise.

            Some magical plant that still survives despite the hellscape that is Joshua Tree.

            Do you know why it’s called Joshua Tree National Park? Hint: it has nothing to do with U2.

              This one lost an arm in a YMCA dance off.

              It has Joshua Trees.

                Just a few.

                  “Hi Joshua! It’s Joshua!” “Excuse me, are you talking to me?” “No, my friend’s name is also Joshua.”

                  ALL OF THE JOSHUA TREES!

                    Joshua Tree National Forest aka Solar Flare City caused my pasty shoulders to turn a subtle shade of third degree lobster. I started getting a little loopy, so we decided to call it a day. The heat makes people do crazy things, like craft what is presumably a vagina worship station.

                    Fact: Joshua Tree’s indigenous people were lesbians.

                    It was so beautiful, we didn’t want to leave. Everything looked as though it was part of a movie set. Totally unreal.

                      That mountain is clearly made out of paper maché.

                      On our way back to Indian Waters, we decided to stop at an outdoor art gallery. We saw a rather dusty dildo bouquet, or dildoquet, if you will. 

                        I thought long and hard about what to get you for Valentine’s Day.

                          I told you, the heat makes people do crazy things.